Kicking me while im down...

The following was written in Jan 17, 2004 we were nearing the end of our first deployment in Mosul, Iraq I was 18 years old hating everything about life. Regretting every breath that i took. I hated the Army and I hated everything about life. I wanted out of the Army but i wasn't desperate enough to want out of life. Something kept me going. I look back at what i have written. It's powerful, but damn it is depressing. I am sure that i am one of thousands of soldiers that felt the way i did. i chose to write it down, i wanted to forget everything about that year but at the same time i knew i wanted to remember it one day. Now, i wouldn't change anything. I am glad i made the choices i did. I wouldn't be the person i am today if i didn't do the things i did. Sometimes i hate myself for the things i have done. In retrospect i begame one hell of a person, a complicated one, but someone i am proud to be now! So before you read this, be proud of what you do, if you don't have pride in it, it's probably the wrong thing. We do make mistakes, those mistakes all have a lesson to be learned. Make sure you learn that lesson and adjust accordingly. And some how whether it be a picture, i note, a word document. save it. remind yourself of those days, those mistakes. When you forget what you have learned or you forget what made you who you are. look into the past and breath it all in, because sometimes you are your own roots!
A pessimist’ view, yet curious of what life has to offer
The vicious trials we go through in the days we waste working towards the end. Do we waste them or are they well spent. That is a question which the answer would depend on the persons outlook on life. Pessimist or optimist? What is there to be optimistic about? What reasons are there ? What is there to drive us to be optimistic? Everything you look at in this life aims towards pessimism. Are pessimist’ week minded. Lonely? Depressed? But the optimist only has become comfortable in his stupor. Convincing himself that things will look up. Indeed they may look up, only to put you in a similar situation so that you can tell yourself the same bullshit that you did the last time. things will look up, all is not lost. Have hope. bullshit, simply have faith in yourself, you are the only person that is going to matter in your life. You are the only person you are “living for” all in all, I will continue to be a pessimist until i find further reasoning to think otherwise. There are reasons to be “happy” there are things to be thankful for. But no reason to be optimistic, optimism is simply a pacification for those who cannot handle the reality of life. Life is harsh and full of pain and desperation. Desperate to breath, desperate to brake the chains that bind you. Desperate to tend to the wounds from your daily lashings. Desperate to get that high, spending your time in euphoria so you can meet yourself in utopia. Until that high wears off and you find yourself drowning in the same sorrows, trying to tread the waters. Trying to cut the rope that is attached to the brick sitting in the bottom of your minds ocean. Am I abnormal, normal, here is the question that boggles the outsiders mind. What is normal. Unless you are asking that question you probably are normal or you are just too stupid to question life. Just going along with life. Barely keeping your head above water, gasping for breath but, you are the only lifeguard on duty.

29 nov 07 add on to the above free-write...It’s so easy not to fail when you don’t try. If you have no expectations for yourself and your life what do you have to hang your head about? Think about it? Some say that ignorance is bliss. Are you shitting me? Be the one black sheep in a heard of white sheep. Go against the grain, challenge yourself. Challenge others. Challenge life. Take control of your life, it’s only what you make of it!

A truly Depressing Time in Iraq...

The following is a free-write, un-edited, just like life...take from it what you will. enjoy, ask questions, find answers, hell i don't know. Hate it if you want to, but at least read it. I hope that with every word i write in all of these post' i can at least inspire one person if not many. Those that have served beside me, i hope that you can relate to my feelings i express. I hope that you kind find a way to release the pain, hate, tears and feelings. We all have our own ways of doing it. But mine, i feel is a peaceful way and maybe an inspirational way. God bless all who have served and continue to serve. The man to your left and right is all you got! Take care of them, embrace who they are and love them for everything they aren't! enjoy!
All is fake
Your eyes bleed red, your heart bleeds black, your face turns, your back turns. Run, run, run. Run from your reality. Run from whatever you think is chasing you. Fall, fall, and plead for reality to leave, fall, and plead, for hope to come into play. Walk, walk away from your faith. Stand faithless, faithless in love, in hate, in yourself. What have you got remaining. Your heart is black and cold. Your eyes bleed red. Your skin no longer smooth, the rough surface of your skin tells a tail of death. Dark and cold, damp is your mind, no longer can you comprehend what is around you. What is around you? Love, happiness, trust, faith, money, people, people that you once held close. This turn of events crumble all you were, a pile of ashes you are lying in a puddle, that you once looked down upon to see your own face, take a look now, what do you see? Reflect on the past, plan for the future, all is lost what have you done, what has happened to you. Only you can answer the question that mystics often ask themselves. Chain yourself to a tree, to keep from doing any more damage to yourself and those around. You have ruined everything, the chains will only tighten, accept what is now and leave what was then behind, there is no present, your present just left and was handed over to the past. Future, what is it, do you have one, now that you have turned into this monster. A monster that can conquer any mystics soul and mind. Overwhelming, the pressure put upon your shoulders, but what is this what has caused this change, why are you a mound of ash? A mound of ash that the autumn season has blown around in the wind. Spread amongst your land, amongst those you loved, among the bum on the corner that asked you for change. Amongst those you once threw punches at, threw poignant words at. These words did the same to them as they have to you. Whose ashes do you have, whose ashes lye upon your shoulder? You are a failure you can’t handle reality and all that life throws out at you. You have been impaled by the spear of all that is real.

Christmas 2003

This is something I wrote on Dec. 2003, i haven't read it since then. It just shows you my state of mind back then. I had just turned 18, six months prior to this event. enjoy
Dec 25 03
Christmas in Iraq. One hell of a phrase. Well it seems I received one of the best presents yet, an IED.
Nearly lost my life on this day. Thankful I am, to be sitting here, still breathing all intact. Maybe an emotional revelation. Realizes that life is priceless. There is nothing I can write to explain what I felt what I feel, even what I am thinking. I am going to attempt to explain all that I can, I really haven’t had the opportunity to contemplate tonight’s event. I don’t have the words. I don’t know what to think. I know that I am thankful to be alive. That is really all I can say or think. My mind is clogged. My emotions are stirred..
The biggest concern I have, is leaving this world without tying up a few loose ends. I don’t want to leave this place with any regrets and “I wonders?” what if. You can’t ask those questions before deaths comes knocking at your door. My life flashed in front of me. And I saw people that were upset with me. I cannot please everyone, not that I am out to please them all. The few people that I hold close to my heart, I just want them to know that I love them and that after tonight I learned to value the quality of life, yet I am in hell itself but life, life is not something you get to live twice. I just wish that things would be a little more clear now, to those who value me and my life and for those that I value.
I want to live a full life, I want to do all the things that I dream of. Sometimes I wish death upon myself or others, never will I do that again. I would not even consider the thought. Never could I say it. Because when something like this happens, your life flashes in front of you. And at that very moment you wonder, I hope so and so isn’t mad at me, I hope my parents are proud of me and the life that I led. My best friends I hope that they still hold me close in their hearts, maybe they will also understand , or think about what life would be like without me. I really don’t know what I am writing but I am just trying to sort things out, it wasn’t working in my head, maybe it will work through these keys. Yet maybe my heart will lead me, or maybe I will never find out. Maybe this is the way the story was written, easily I could have died tonight, whatever force was with me knew that I have big things ahead of me. I can’t go out this way. Maybe it wasn’t my destiny, if there is such a thing. I don’t know, I am not going to go and ramble on about all this I am just going to go to bed and try and sleep it off. I will still be here tomorrow and so will you. We will meet again. Several times I am sure. Maybe next time around you or I will have a solution. Until then I will never know. Maybe I don’t need to know, just live for tomorrow.
This day will be documented and never forgotten, I hope that I will learn a few things through this. Take it with me and leave the rest behind, the past is behind me, now I have to live for tomorrow, with more knowledge than yesterday I will carry what I have learned until the day I die.

some vintage moments

January 23, 2003

A frigid, rainy day I arrive in Ft. Bragg, NC.My life stuffed into two OD Green Army Duffel bags. Everything i own and everything that owns me is strapped on my back and shaking in my arms. An intimidating butch female staff Sergeant is staring me in the eyes yelling at me to move my shit from point a to point b. More trivial games, welcome home cherry.

"low crawl cherry, put your head in the gravel" Butch Bitch spits in my face.

"yes sergeant, moving sergeant" is my programmed response.

I was a wide-eyed headstrong, know-it-all private. I was green in every way imaginable. "cherry" is what they call me. Butch Bitch was going to show me that she was in charge and i didn't know shit. That my place in the Army was behind her. shit, if I'm behind this big ole dyke i got a fightin chance to stay out of the other NCO's eye and maybe she can catch some bullets instead of me.

The gravel is full of wet gritty sand. It feels like I'm getting a facial in a cement mixer. The gravel, sand, and rain mix together great. My bdu's (battle dress uniform) are glued to my skin. meanwhile in the background a muffled dyke-ish voice

"cherry, you think you are some kind-of-PT stud?"

"yes sergeant" spitting out gravel with my smart-ass remark

"that's it private, grab a log" the dyke is getting hoarse from running her fat lips

"yes sergeant, moving sergeant" wiping my face with more sand.

mind you this log is well over 100 pounds, and two times the diameter of a telephone pole. If you spent a day in the army you know what kind of pain comes along with "log PT." When i mention PT i mean physical training. My other cherry comrades look at me in disgust. I plan to let this dyke know i'm the real deal. It wasn't that big of a deal considering that my fellows paratroopers and i had just come from basic training, AIT (advanced idividual training), and airborne school. We were physically fit, i came out of basic training running two miles in less than 11 minutes with my comrades not too far behind me. So we began a series of exercises with this massive log, sit-ups, shoulder presses and such. Of course at this point and time i am getting fed up with the dyke, the cold and this whole idea. Expect nothing less from me than a "billy bad ass" attitude. The dyke continued this until she was tired of getting rained on. We were all tired and wet, our limbs trembling. but i felt like i got my point across.

I grab my bags, which feel like they are full of bricks, my army and legs feel like jell-o. I got my point across alright, she told all of her fellow NCO's (non-commissioned officers) that they have a smart ass in the building. I continue to get yelled at and continue to do push-ups. I am quickly introduced to the ways of the airborne. when you are doing push-ups, you must elevate your feet. If you can't find anything someone must hold your feet for you. I went around the company area filling out paperwork, doing push ups and flutter kicks.

Finally, the bull dyke shows me to my "home" 1st platoon. Greeted by a couple of long haired specialist, one a little Italian bastard that stands all of 4 foot nothing and a couple of blond guys about my height. They yelled and made us do push-ups, one yelled at my buddy enough to make him cry! Welcome to your first line mp company....there is more to this story and it is out of sequence, but i just wrote it freestyle. The boys-turned-into-men in the above picture you will learn they soon become my family and a bond only military men can experience....

let me know what you guys think. i want my friends to help me write this book. it will be my style, but if you have any memories of stories help me out.

intro

After talking to some friends, i figured out what this blog thing is all about. i see some friends using it and after reading their blogs, i too have decided to open one up! This blog is a way for me to get some idea's from friends and others on my book. A way for me to get some feedback, hopefully some stories from old friends. I am in the midst of writing my book, it's based on my life prior-to military life, during and current lifestyles. This book is raw and un-cut, no words are spared, nor feelings. some may love me, some may hate me and a lot will learn things about me never thought possible. so if you are interested in what i have to say please let me know, provoke thought. i am open to all comments good and bad. Look out America, you are going to see just what the American soldier is really like. An inside view of my life!