Questions from a reader! yea I have those!

A gentelman that read my blog. Due to my good friend Mike Cline, wanted to pick my brain. Here are your answers my friend. It may not be what you expected. But, expect the un-expected, especially with me. Sorry it took so long. Enjoy.

1) Why did you decide to join the Army? What ideas or convictions did you have about the institution before joining, and also about taking part in war, and have those ideas and convictions changed?
I joined the Army for many reasons. Mainly because I was a slacker. I was that kid who thought that he could play soccer all his life. My head was swollen, I thought I would live the dream. I was the definition of nieve. I didn't apply to many schools. I only took the ACT. I hated the idea of four more years of school. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, I hadn't experienced anything but high school sports, creative writing class and a part time job at Bob Evans. I had no idea of what I wanted to be when I "grew up." So I made the most important and probably the best desisicion of my life. I raised my right hand and swore the oath of enlistment to the United States Army. I joined the Army with the intent to be Military Police. I hated cops as a "punk rock skater kid." I figured that out of all the jobs in the Army, I could at least use what I would learn in the civilian world. I also had a long heritage in the Army, I had two uncles that were very successful in the military. They were my gurantee, that if I wanted to, I could do great things in the Army.
I had a really narrow view of what the Army had to offer. I asked all my family members what to expect. They gave me nothing. They wanted me to learn on my own with no false pretenses. All I knew is that I could be as great as I wanted to be, just like my two uncles. Thats what I set out to do. I wanted to be better than them.
When I first joined the Army in January 2002. There were no conflicts, the world was at peace. In July 2002 when I reported to FT. Leonardwood, there were still no conflicts. The thought of war never crossed my mind. I thought that i would be hanging out at some Army post in my partol car, writing speeding tickets.
When I found out we were going to war. I didn't want anything to do with it. I hated the idea. I couldn't imagine having to take another humans life. I thought it was wrong in every way. I spoke with my best friend at the time Mike Cline about it numerous times. I wish I could recall the conversations. I was lost. I didn't know what to do. I didn't join the Army to kill. God didn't want me to kill.
Many things have changed from then to now. I don't want to get into the details at the time. The topic has a lot to do with what my book will tell you.


2) Are you a Christian? If not, are you of another faith? Was your faith and the ethics of your faith integrated some way into your life in the Army? And if not, what does the Army see it's ethos and mission as? Are all the folks really out to protect the glory of America, God and country that sort of thing, or is it messier than that?

Thats a good question. I don't want to say I am, nor do I want to say I am not. I don't know the definition of a Christian. Society has such distorted and different views of religion. Do I believe? Yes I do believe that there is a greater power. We were created by God. Do I follow the word? No, not the slitest bit. I do have the words "trust" and "faith" tattooed on my body. Trust and faith in myself.
Prior to joining the Army I was "saved." I thought I was living life the way God would want me to. I believed I was following the devine word of the "Almighty" I carried it to basic training with me, I had my bible next to my bed. I did devotions. I lead follow trainees in prayor. I helped others around me keep the faith. I told them that God was by their side. I said that we were never alone. I had "footprints" taped to on of my folders. I was all about God. I thought I was the strongest "christian" ever.
I was far from strong in my faith. Upon my arrival to Airborne school at ft. benning Georgia, I forgot who God was. Of course until I was ready to jump out of the airplane, then I was every religion you could think of. Soon enough, I was cussing, smoking, dipping, and fornicating with every woman I laid eyes on.
Welcome to the Army! Where we are all a bunch of foul mouthed,empty souled, man whores. We don't care about anything but guns, sex, beer, and killing people! Thats what I let the Army mold me into. Don't get me wrong, there are some very good, decent people in the Army. Then there are the 18 year old kids with a steady pay check and lots and lots of beer! No parents and a new city to concur.
The Army has chaplians for every unit, approx 1,000-2,000 soldiers. Every religion is accepted. The Army does not push religion on the soldiers, the oppurtunity is there. Some chaplians love it because it's the biggest challenge they will ever face. The audience is huge. A possible congegation of thousands. Few lives are touched, but the lives they do touch im sure are worth it.
Now, the good question. I could probably go on for pages answering this question. I won't. I know your probably releasing a sigh of relief. I cannot speak for the masses. I am only speaking on my behalf and those who I have spoke to on these specific issues.
When the war first began in 2003, once I accepted the fact that I was going. I was fighting for my country. I was fighting for my family. I was a patriotic soldier. I was willing to put my life in the line of fire if it meant that my family and friends could sleep safely another night. We were also there to save the Iraqi people, to freem them from Sadam duchebag. That is what our mission was. Whatever. We were all about helping the Iraqi people. At least until they started trying to kill me, and taking advantage of our kindness! Then we said fuck the Iraqis, we are fighting for our lives and the man to my right and left. I want them to come home safely, get out of this shit hole and continue to live life.
I will always fight for America, I will always fight for my family. Is it likely that the terrorist in Iraq are going to bring the war to the homefront? No! But, America believes that, President Bush' dumbass tells America that if we aren't in Iraq the war will come here. Blah blah blah. fuck him. The last time I was there. I fought for the men I went there with and for my family. It gets pretty messy.
But it's nearly 1 a.m. and I need to get up in 4 hours. So I hope this answered your questions. If not, well I enjoyed writing it. Keep reading if it didn't. Don't know what to tell ya. Hope you got somethin out of it. Besides the fact that I'm an asshole! Thanks for the questions. I'm glad you are reading, or have read. I know that I am in your head because you asked questions! PEACE!

Battle With The Brain

This is an excerpt from a friend of mines blog. He is going through many of the same things i went through upon my return from Iraq, both times.

"The hardest thing for my to do lately is sleep, I daily find myself awake at 4:30am doing absolutely nothing. I'm not sure if it's because of my racing thoughts or if it's because of the one XS energy drinks that I drink throughout the day, something tells me that it's not the latter. Okay so we just recently got a router enabling our wireless Internet to work here at my loft and I have been on it pretty constantly, but last night I tried laying down at 1220 to go to bed, I did, and nothing happened. Last night, I found myself sweating as I tossed and turned, before I knew it, it was 6:35am and my alarm was buzzing. I even give myself a little soft music to listen to as I try to go to sleep, some sort of background noise, I've tried it quite, I've tried a boring movie, nothing seems to shake what I have inside of my head...."

check out his blog if you would like to read more and maybe compare our experiences....

http://ridog10.blogspot.com/

Upon returning from Iraq in 2004. I was a 19 year old veteran of a foreign war. If that doesn't sound fucked up I don't know what does? Anyways, the transition into the world you left behind a long and grueling year ago. The whole time I spent in Iraq, or what we like to call downrange, was spent thinking life would be as I left it. I expected my friends to be the same. I hoped my family wouldn't change, better yet my sister grow up. I didn't have a wife or any children, so I had it easy in a sense. Family and friends would send pictures and care packages weekly. Well, as slow as the mail went during OIF 1 it was monthly. I manifested it in my mind that everything would look and smell and feel the same. I told myself that I hadn't changed so why would everyone else? You talk to the people you care for the most, and they tell you about all these fun social events they attended. They tell you they wish you could be there. Yea don't we all but I can't. In my mind I'm thinking why they fuck are you telling me about how much fun your having? What do I care? I'm not there and can't be there so don't tell me you wish I could be!!!! goddamn! I watched fellow soldiers and leaders lose their families, marriages failed and grown men cried. I watch soldiers and leaders cheat on their wives with what some call "deployment ass." It's much like wearing the infamous "beer goggles." We like to call them "deployment goggles." These women by no means are attractive, but hey, they'll do! It's 120 degrees outside, men you know how much you sweat playing basketball. Women, you know how much you sweat when your running or whatever it is you do. Well multiply that x5 and you may get an idea of what you would smell like and look like. I mean, can you imagine having sex with some nasty sweaty vagina? or for you women, nasty sweaty cock and balls? For lord sake, we didn't even have air conditioning 'till the winter months! Nasty!!!! Yet, men still cheated on wives and wives cheated on husbands.

We were put in some of the worst conditions imaginable. We never took anything for granted. For six months we each received one bottle of water, and one MRE (meal ready to eat) which are fucking disgusting after about a week. If you have never had one, and really want to find out what they are like, go to your local camping store and ask for an MRE. They contain around 3,000 calories. It's enough for your body to sustain for a full day. Tell me you wouldn't be hungry with only one meal to nibble on throughout an 18 hour work day. On top of that, in OIF 1 we only had flack jackets, no IBA (which is the standard issue body armor) Flack jackets were worn in desert storm and operation anaconda. That shit is old and worthless! It's designed to stop a knife, if your lucky. The gunner, which was my job title at the time had to stand in the turret with 120 degree wind whipping you in the face. Walk around with a blow dryer in your face for about 12 hours and you can get and idea of what it was like.

Without getting into more detail. Needless to say, life was shitty! Your loved ones were continuing life as if you didn't exist. That alone is enough to severely depress a man. Through the deployment, a girlfriend/wife broke your heart. You watched Americans die for and kill for our country. You have been shot at and blown up on a regular basis.

So you take all that stress, depression, and trauma. Throw it back into a civilized community. You have mental and emotional havoc! Your family and friends will bitch to you about how they hate the heat one day, or that they worked an hour overtime or heaven for bid bitched about how much life sucked. What do you think is going through our minds? mine for intense: are you fucking kidding me? Are you really bitching about something so menial? Grow the fuck up and get over it. Life is never as bad as it seems, and someone else has it worse than you do. So be thankful you fucking alive, you selfish un-thankful American. Did I say this? Yes, we all have our breaking point. For a soldier returning from Iraq, it doesn't take much. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like any American owes me anything. The Army is a volunteer force. But for fuck sake, VOLUNTEER. We step in front of the bullet so you don't have to. So you can sit at home and read you books and watch your sitcoms. So for some we feel unappreciated. It's always nice to hear a "Thank you for your service." Even on Veteran's Day, for Christ sake. Don't be so forgetful as to not call your son and tell him thank you or happy Veteran's Day.

Please don't ever ask a soldier to share his stories with you or to "open up" to you. We can't, what could you possibly tell me or help me with if you haven't experienced it yourself? You're no subject matter expert. Please? When I ask this, I'm not saying I/we are better than you, or I/we don't trust you. Just understand when we tell you thanks, but no thanks. When we are in our hometown for the first returning, the last thing we want to talk about is the past. If we do, we will call a buddy that had just come back with us. So essentially we are left with a pen and a pad. Most of the time the thoughts, dreams, nightmares, flash backs bounce back and forth through our brains all day everyday. We lay down to rest, whether it be a familiar or unfamiliar place. Our bodies are ready for some well deserved rest on a real bed. Our minds have no way of resting, no way of getting the thoughts out of our heads. It's enough to make you scream, sweat, or want to bang your head off the goddamn wall until your unconscious. Again, we have a breaking point. Most of us are too proud or too hard headed to seek help. Even if it's offered, it's a sign of weakness. The pack leader doesn't want to be seen as weak by the rest of the pack. So the breaking point gets closer and closer. It seems life would be much better if it didn't exists. Thoughts go through your head, I've been gone for a year. What is the difference if I'm gone forever. They have already gotten used to me being gone. I might as well be gone anyways, i can't get along with anyone. I'm always angry because no one understands me. I can't keep these fucking nightmares out of my head. I can't handle all this shit. My mind won't stop. It hurts, I hate it. FUCK IT....

WHY?

Another un-edited journal entry from 2003
Why does death so often cross a persons mind? Am I the only one who contemplates the future? Is there an answer out there? Is death the answer? Why is it so easy to be a pessimist than to be an optimist? Why is it so hard to be nice, why do I have to go out of my way for another person? Am I the average human or am I being a conceited person? WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY? Why do “good things happen to good people?” Why are there so many self-help books out there, why does everything have to do with prosper? Why do we always have to be better than what we are, or who your parents are? Why do we have to be better than the person next to us is? WHY? Why do all there question cross my mind? Why do I feel like I am going to die soon? Why do I feel like someone is out to get me? Why do I feel like my day is marked, or better yet my head is marked? Is it the line of work I am in or is it just the nature of the human race? Why are 95% of the people I concerned with image? Is image everything? “Hey I lost 9 pounds in two weeks on the Atkins diet.” “Hey how do I look today, do I look fat in this?” All these questions, all the whys, who can answer these questions? Am I the only one that can, or is death going to answer my questions? Are these questions what give us purpose in life? Is everyone as I am? Does everyone ask these questions? Is death something that haunts a person daily?
Why should we have to walk around with the people that we love and hold close to us, and worry about the fact that maybe one of us could die today? Increasing the chances because of unnecessary habit, that cigarette I just threw down just took a day or more off my life, and increased the chance of me getting lung cancer, emphazema; and many other tobacco related illnesses for what? The disregard we have for the life that we live, yet I am so concerned about life and being able to live it. I increase my chance of dying by lighting a smoke. I also increase my chance of dying each day that I get in a car, with each thing that I eat, maybe I do not chew it well enough and I choke to death. Why is this, the kind of things that I think about daily, hourly, and constantly?
Will I ever be able to live that life that everyone strives to live? Will I ever have children and a beautiful wife? Will I have the things that I have never dreamt about? But yet the things I want in life? Some one give me the answer, because if not, take me out of this damn life and put me to rest, because anyone who doesn’t have the chance to live a full life might as well be taken from this misery.

musiq

Some random poem that i wrote in 2003
Music
soothes
Music
fulfills
Music
enrages
Music
draws tears
Music
Flows
Music
oxygen
Music
river
Music
blood
Music
heart
Music
mind
Music
extremities
Music
life
Music
Death
Music
Is immortal

Kicking me while im down...

The following was written in Jan 17, 2004 we were nearing the end of our first deployment in Mosul, Iraq I was 18 years old hating everything about life. Regretting every breath that i took. I hated the Army and I hated everything about life. I wanted out of the Army but i wasn't desperate enough to want out of life. Something kept me going. I look back at what i have written. It's powerful, but damn it is depressing. I am sure that i am one of thousands of soldiers that felt the way i did. i chose to write it down, i wanted to forget everything about that year but at the same time i knew i wanted to remember it one day. Now, i wouldn't change anything. I am glad i made the choices i did. I wouldn't be the person i am today if i didn't do the things i did. Sometimes i hate myself for the things i have done. In retrospect i begame one hell of a person, a complicated one, but someone i am proud to be now! So before you read this, be proud of what you do, if you don't have pride in it, it's probably the wrong thing. We do make mistakes, those mistakes all have a lesson to be learned. Make sure you learn that lesson and adjust accordingly. And some how whether it be a picture, i note, a word document. save it. remind yourself of those days, those mistakes. When you forget what you have learned or you forget what made you who you are. look into the past and breath it all in, because sometimes you are your own roots!
A pessimist’ view, yet curious of what life has to offer
The vicious trials we go through in the days we waste working towards the end. Do we waste them or are they well spent. That is a question which the answer would depend on the persons outlook on life. Pessimist or optimist? What is there to be optimistic about? What reasons are there ? What is there to drive us to be optimistic? Everything you look at in this life aims towards pessimism. Are pessimist’ week minded. Lonely? Depressed? But the optimist only has become comfortable in his stupor. Convincing himself that things will look up. Indeed they may look up, only to put you in a similar situation so that you can tell yourself the same bullshit that you did the last time. things will look up, all is not lost. Have hope. bullshit, simply have faith in yourself, you are the only person that is going to matter in your life. You are the only person you are “living for” all in all, I will continue to be a pessimist until i find further reasoning to think otherwise. There are reasons to be “happy” there are things to be thankful for. But no reason to be optimistic, optimism is simply a pacification for those who cannot handle the reality of life. Life is harsh and full of pain and desperation. Desperate to breath, desperate to brake the chains that bind you. Desperate to tend to the wounds from your daily lashings. Desperate to get that high, spending your time in euphoria so you can meet yourself in utopia. Until that high wears off and you find yourself drowning in the same sorrows, trying to tread the waters. Trying to cut the rope that is attached to the brick sitting in the bottom of your minds ocean. Am I abnormal, normal, here is the question that boggles the outsiders mind. What is normal. Unless you are asking that question you probably are normal or you are just too stupid to question life. Just going along with life. Barely keeping your head above water, gasping for breath but, you are the only lifeguard on duty.

29 nov 07 add on to the above free-write...It’s so easy not to fail when you don’t try. If you have no expectations for yourself and your life what do you have to hang your head about? Think about it? Some say that ignorance is bliss. Are you shitting me? Be the one black sheep in a heard of white sheep. Go against the grain, challenge yourself. Challenge others. Challenge life. Take control of your life, it’s only what you make of it!

A truly Depressing Time in Iraq...

The following is a free-write, un-edited, just like life...take from it what you will. enjoy, ask questions, find answers, hell i don't know. Hate it if you want to, but at least read it. I hope that with every word i write in all of these post' i can at least inspire one person if not many. Those that have served beside me, i hope that you can relate to my feelings i express. I hope that you kind find a way to release the pain, hate, tears and feelings. We all have our own ways of doing it. But mine, i feel is a peaceful way and maybe an inspirational way. God bless all who have served and continue to serve. The man to your left and right is all you got! Take care of them, embrace who they are and love them for everything they aren't! enjoy!
All is fake
Your eyes bleed red, your heart bleeds black, your face turns, your back turns. Run, run, run. Run from your reality. Run from whatever you think is chasing you. Fall, fall, and plead for reality to leave, fall, and plead, for hope to come into play. Walk, walk away from your faith. Stand faithless, faithless in love, in hate, in yourself. What have you got remaining. Your heart is black and cold. Your eyes bleed red. Your skin no longer smooth, the rough surface of your skin tells a tail of death. Dark and cold, damp is your mind, no longer can you comprehend what is around you. What is around you? Love, happiness, trust, faith, money, people, people that you once held close. This turn of events crumble all you were, a pile of ashes you are lying in a puddle, that you once looked down upon to see your own face, take a look now, what do you see? Reflect on the past, plan for the future, all is lost what have you done, what has happened to you. Only you can answer the question that mystics often ask themselves. Chain yourself to a tree, to keep from doing any more damage to yourself and those around. You have ruined everything, the chains will only tighten, accept what is now and leave what was then behind, there is no present, your present just left and was handed over to the past. Future, what is it, do you have one, now that you have turned into this monster. A monster that can conquer any mystics soul and mind. Overwhelming, the pressure put upon your shoulders, but what is this what has caused this change, why are you a mound of ash? A mound of ash that the autumn season has blown around in the wind. Spread amongst your land, amongst those you loved, among the bum on the corner that asked you for change. Amongst those you once threw punches at, threw poignant words at. These words did the same to them as they have to you. Whose ashes do you have, whose ashes lye upon your shoulder? You are a failure you can’t handle reality and all that life throws out at you. You have been impaled by the spear of all that is real.

Christmas 2003

This is something I wrote on Dec. 2003, i haven't read it since then. It just shows you my state of mind back then. I had just turned 18, six months prior to this event. enjoy
Dec 25 03
Christmas in Iraq. One hell of a phrase. Well it seems I received one of the best presents yet, an IED.
Nearly lost my life on this day. Thankful I am, to be sitting here, still breathing all intact. Maybe an emotional revelation. Realizes that life is priceless. There is nothing I can write to explain what I felt what I feel, even what I am thinking. I am going to attempt to explain all that I can, I really haven’t had the opportunity to contemplate tonight’s event. I don’t have the words. I don’t know what to think. I know that I am thankful to be alive. That is really all I can say or think. My mind is clogged. My emotions are stirred..
The biggest concern I have, is leaving this world without tying up a few loose ends. I don’t want to leave this place with any regrets and “I wonders?” what if. You can’t ask those questions before deaths comes knocking at your door. My life flashed in front of me. And I saw people that were upset with me. I cannot please everyone, not that I am out to please them all. The few people that I hold close to my heart, I just want them to know that I love them and that after tonight I learned to value the quality of life, yet I am in hell itself but life, life is not something you get to live twice. I just wish that things would be a little more clear now, to those who value me and my life and for those that I value.
I want to live a full life, I want to do all the things that I dream of. Sometimes I wish death upon myself or others, never will I do that again. I would not even consider the thought. Never could I say it. Because when something like this happens, your life flashes in front of you. And at that very moment you wonder, I hope so and so isn’t mad at me, I hope my parents are proud of me and the life that I led. My best friends I hope that they still hold me close in their hearts, maybe they will also understand , or think about what life would be like without me. I really don’t know what I am writing but I am just trying to sort things out, it wasn’t working in my head, maybe it will work through these keys. Yet maybe my heart will lead me, or maybe I will never find out. Maybe this is the way the story was written, easily I could have died tonight, whatever force was with me knew that I have big things ahead of me. I can’t go out this way. Maybe it wasn’t my destiny, if there is such a thing. I don’t know, I am not going to go and ramble on about all this I am just going to go to bed and try and sleep it off. I will still be here tomorrow and so will you. We will meet again. Several times I am sure. Maybe next time around you or I will have a solution. Until then I will never know. Maybe I don’t need to know, just live for tomorrow.
This day will be documented and never forgotten, I hope that I will learn a few things through this. Take it with me and leave the rest behind, the past is behind me, now I have to live for tomorrow, with more knowledge than yesterday I will carry what I have learned until the day I die.

some vintage moments

January 23, 2003

A frigid, rainy day I arrive in Ft. Bragg, NC.My life stuffed into two OD Green Army Duffel bags. Everything i own and everything that owns me is strapped on my back and shaking in my arms. An intimidating butch female staff Sergeant is staring me in the eyes yelling at me to move my shit from point a to point b. More trivial games, welcome home cherry.

"low crawl cherry, put your head in the gravel" Butch Bitch spits in my face.

"yes sergeant, moving sergeant" is my programmed response.

I was a wide-eyed headstrong, know-it-all private. I was green in every way imaginable. "cherry" is what they call me. Butch Bitch was going to show me that she was in charge and i didn't know shit. That my place in the Army was behind her. shit, if I'm behind this big ole dyke i got a fightin chance to stay out of the other NCO's eye and maybe she can catch some bullets instead of me.

The gravel is full of wet gritty sand. It feels like I'm getting a facial in a cement mixer. The gravel, sand, and rain mix together great. My bdu's (battle dress uniform) are glued to my skin. meanwhile in the background a muffled dyke-ish voice

"cherry, you think you are some kind-of-PT stud?"

"yes sergeant" spitting out gravel with my smart-ass remark

"that's it private, grab a log" the dyke is getting hoarse from running her fat lips

"yes sergeant, moving sergeant" wiping my face with more sand.

mind you this log is well over 100 pounds, and two times the diameter of a telephone pole. If you spent a day in the army you know what kind of pain comes along with "log PT." When i mention PT i mean physical training. My other cherry comrades look at me in disgust. I plan to let this dyke know i'm the real deal. It wasn't that big of a deal considering that my fellows paratroopers and i had just come from basic training, AIT (advanced idividual training), and airborne school. We were physically fit, i came out of basic training running two miles in less than 11 minutes with my comrades not too far behind me. So we began a series of exercises with this massive log, sit-ups, shoulder presses and such. Of course at this point and time i am getting fed up with the dyke, the cold and this whole idea. Expect nothing less from me than a "billy bad ass" attitude. The dyke continued this until she was tired of getting rained on. We were all tired and wet, our limbs trembling. but i felt like i got my point across.

I grab my bags, which feel like they are full of bricks, my army and legs feel like jell-o. I got my point across alright, she told all of her fellow NCO's (non-commissioned officers) that they have a smart ass in the building. I continue to get yelled at and continue to do push-ups. I am quickly introduced to the ways of the airborne. when you are doing push-ups, you must elevate your feet. If you can't find anything someone must hold your feet for you. I went around the company area filling out paperwork, doing push ups and flutter kicks.

Finally, the bull dyke shows me to my "home" 1st platoon. Greeted by a couple of long haired specialist, one a little Italian bastard that stands all of 4 foot nothing and a couple of blond guys about my height. They yelled and made us do push-ups, one yelled at my buddy enough to make him cry! Welcome to your first line mp company....there is more to this story and it is out of sequence, but i just wrote it freestyle. The boys-turned-into-men in the above picture you will learn they soon become my family and a bond only military men can experience....

let me know what you guys think. i want my friends to help me write this book. it will be my style, but if you have any memories of stories help me out.

intro

After talking to some friends, i figured out what this blog thing is all about. i see some friends using it and after reading their blogs, i too have decided to open one up! This blog is a way for me to get some idea's from friends and others on my book. A way for me to get some feedback, hopefully some stories from old friends. I am in the midst of writing my book, it's based on my life prior-to military life, during and current lifestyles. This book is raw and un-cut, no words are spared, nor feelings. some may love me, some may hate me and a lot will learn things about me never thought possible. so if you are interested in what i have to say please let me know, provoke thought. i am open to all comments good and bad. Look out America, you are going to see just what the American soldier is really like. An inside view of my life!