The following was written in Jan 17, 2004 we were nearing the end of our first deployment in Mosul, Iraq I was 18 years old hating everything about life. Regretting every breath that i took. I hated the Army and I hated everything about life. I wanted out of the Army but i wasn't desperate enough to want out of life. Something kept me going. I look back at what i have written. It's powerful, but damn it is depressing. I am sure that i am one of thousands of soldiers that felt the way i did. i chose to write it down, i wanted to forget everything about that year but at the same time i knew i wanted to remember it one day. Now, i wouldn't change anything. I am glad i made the choices i did. I wouldn't be the person i am today if i didn't do the things i did. Sometimes i hate myself for the things i have done. In retrospect i begame one hell of a person, a complicated one, but someone i am proud to be now! So before you read this, be proud of what you do, if you don't have pride in it, it's probably the wrong thing. We do make mistakes, those mistakes all have a lesson to be learned. Make sure you learn that lesson and adjust accordingly. And some how whether it be a picture, i note, a word document. save it. remind yourself of those days, those mistakes. When you forget what you have learned or you forget what made you who you are. look into the past and breath it all in, because sometimes you are your own roots!
A pessimist’ view, yet curious of what life has to offer
The vicious trials we go through in the days we waste working towards the end. Do we waste them or are they well spent. That is a question which the answer would depend on the persons outlook on life. Pessimist or optimist? What is there to be optimistic about? What reasons are there ? What is there to drive us to be optimistic? Everything you look at in this life aims towards pessimism. Are pessimist’ week minded. Lonely? Depressed? But the optimist only has become comfortable in his stupor. Convincing himself that things will look up. Indeed they may look up, only to put you in a similar situation so that you can tell yourself the same bullshit that you did the last time. things will look up, all is not lost. Have hope. bullshit, simply have faith in yourself, you are the only person that is going to matter in your life. You are the only person you are “living for” all in all, I will continue to be a pessimist until i find further reasoning to think otherwise. There are reasons to be “happy” there are things to be thankful for. But no reason to be optimistic, optimism is simply a pacification for those who cannot handle the reality of life. Life is harsh and full of pain and desperation. Desperate to breath, desperate to brake the chains that bind you. Desperate to tend to the wounds from your daily lashings. Desperate to get that high, spending your time in euphoria so you can meet yourself in utopia. Until that high wears off and you find yourself drowning in the same sorrows, trying to tread the waters. Trying to cut the rope that is attached to the brick sitting in the bottom of your minds ocean. Am I abnormal, normal, here is the question that boggles the outsiders mind. What is normal. Unless you are asking that question you probably are normal or you are just too stupid to question life. Just going along with life. Barely keeping your head above water, gasping for breath but, you are the only lifeguard on duty.
A pessimist’ view, yet curious of what life has to offer
The vicious trials we go through in the days we waste working towards the end. Do we waste them or are they well spent. That is a question which the answer would depend on the persons outlook on life. Pessimist or optimist? What is there to be optimistic about? What reasons are there ? What is there to drive us to be optimistic? Everything you look at in this life aims towards pessimism. Are pessimist’ week minded. Lonely? Depressed? But the optimist only has become comfortable in his stupor. Convincing himself that things will look up. Indeed they may look up, only to put you in a similar situation so that you can tell yourself the same bullshit that you did the last time. things will look up, all is not lost. Have hope. bullshit, simply have faith in yourself, you are the only person that is going to matter in your life. You are the only person you are “living for” all in all, I will continue to be a pessimist until i find further reasoning to think otherwise. There are reasons to be “happy” there are things to be thankful for. But no reason to be optimistic, optimism is simply a pacification for those who cannot handle the reality of life. Life is harsh and full of pain and desperation. Desperate to breath, desperate to brake the chains that bind you. Desperate to tend to the wounds from your daily lashings. Desperate to get that high, spending your time in euphoria so you can meet yourself in utopia. Until that high wears off and you find yourself drowning in the same sorrows, trying to tread the waters. Trying to cut the rope that is attached to the brick sitting in the bottom of your minds ocean. Am I abnormal, normal, here is the question that boggles the outsiders mind. What is normal. Unless you are asking that question you probably are normal or you are just too stupid to question life. Just going along with life. Barely keeping your head above water, gasping for breath but, you are the only lifeguard on duty.
29 nov 07 add on to the above free-write...It’s so easy not to fail when you don’t try. If you have no expectations for yourself and your life what do you have to hang your head about? Think about it? Some say that ignorance is bliss. Are you shitting me? Be the one black sheep in a heard of white sheep. Go against the grain, challenge yourself. Challenge others. Challenge life. Take control of your life, it’s only what you make of it!
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