Battle With The Brain

This is an excerpt from a friend of mines blog. He is going through many of the same things i went through upon my return from Iraq, both times.

"The hardest thing for my to do lately is sleep, I daily find myself awake at 4:30am doing absolutely nothing. I'm not sure if it's because of my racing thoughts or if it's because of the one XS energy drinks that I drink throughout the day, something tells me that it's not the latter. Okay so we just recently got a router enabling our wireless Internet to work here at my loft and I have been on it pretty constantly, but last night I tried laying down at 1220 to go to bed, I did, and nothing happened. Last night, I found myself sweating as I tossed and turned, before I knew it, it was 6:35am and my alarm was buzzing. I even give myself a little soft music to listen to as I try to go to sleep, some sort of background noise, I've tried it quite, I've tried a boring movie, nothing seems to shake what I have inside of my head...."

check out his blog if you would like to read more and maybe compare our experiences....

http://ridog10.blogspot.com/

Upon returning from Iraq in 2004. I was a 19 year old veteran of a foreign war. If that doesn't sound fucked up I don't know what does? Anyways, the transition into the world you left behind a long and grueling year ago. The whole time I spent in Iraq, or what we like to call downrange, was spent thinking life would be as I left it. I expected my friends to be the same. I hoped my family wouldn't change, better yet my sister grow up. I didn't have a wife or any children, so I had it easy in a sense. Family and friends would send pictures and care packages weekly. Well, as slow as the mail went during OIF 1 it was monthly. I manifested it in my mind that everything would look and smell and feel the same. I told myself that I hadn't changed so why would everyone else? You talk to the people you care for the most, and they tell you about all these fun social events they attended. They tell you they wish you could be there. Yea don't we all but I can't. In my mind I'm thinking why they fuck are you telling me about how much fun your having? What do I care? I'm not there and can't be there so don't tell me you wish I could be!!!! goddamn! I watched fellow soldiers and leaders lose their families, marriages failed and grown men cried. I watch soldiers and leaders cheat on their wives with what some call "deployment ass." It's much like wearing the infamous "beer goggles." We like to call them "deployment goggles." These women by no means are attractive, but hey, they'll do! It's 120 degrees outside, men you know how much you sweat playing basketball. Women, you know how much you sweat when your running or whatever it is you do. Well multiply that x5 and you may get an idea of what you would smell like and look like. I mean, can you imagine having sex with some nasty sweaty vagina? or for you women, nasty sweaty cock and balls? For lord sake, we didn't even have air conditioning 'till the winter months! Nasty!!!! Yet, men still cheated on wives and wives cheated on husbands.

We were put in some of the worst conditions imaginable. We never took anything for granted. For six months we each received one bottle of water, and one MRE (meal ready to eat) which are fucking disgusting after about a week. If you have never had one, and really want to find out what they are like, go to your local camping store and ask for an MRE. They contain around 3,000 calories. It's enough for your body to sustain for a full day. Tell me you wouldn't be hungry with only one meal to nibble on throughout an 18 hour work day. On top of that, in OIF 1 we only had flack jackets, no IBA (which is the standard issue body armor) Flack jackets were worn in desert storm and operation anaconda. That shit is old and worthless! It's designed to stop a knife, if your lucky. The gunner, which was my job title at the time had to stand in the turret with 120 degree wind whipping you in the face. Walk around with a blow dryer in your face for about 12 hours and you can get and idea of what it was like.

Without getting into more detail. Needless to say, life was shitty! Your loved ones were continuing life as if you didn't exist. That alone is enough to severely depress a man. Through the deployment, a girlfriend/wife broke your heart. You watched Americans die for and kill for our country. You have been shot at and blown up on a regular basis.

So you take all that stress, depression, and trauma. Throw it back into a civilized community. You have mental and emotional havoc! Your family and friends will bitch to you about how they hate the heat one day, or that they worked an hour overtime or heaven for bid bitched about how much life sucked. What do you think is going through our minds? mine for intense: are you fucking kidding me? Are you really bitching about something so menial? Grow the fuck up and get over it. Life is never as bad as it seems, and someone else has it worse than you do. So be thankful you fucking alive, you selfish un-thankful American. Did I say this? Yes, we all have our breaking point. For a soldier returning from Iraq, it doesn't take much. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like any American owes me anything. The Army is a volunteer force. But for fuck sake, VOLUNTEER. We step in front of the bullet so you don't have to. So you can sit at home and read you books and watch your sitcoms. So for some we feel unappreciated. It's always nice to hear a "Thank you for your service." Even on Veteran's Day, for Christ sake. Don't be so forgetful as to not call your son and tell him thank you or happy Veteran's Day.

Please don't ever ask a soldier to share his stories with you or to "open up" to you. We can't, what could you possibly tell me or help me with if you haven't experienced it yourself? You're no subject matter expert. Please? When I ask this, I'm not saying I/we are better than you, or I/we don't trust you. Just understand when we tell you thanks, but no thanks. When we are in our hometown for the first returning, the last thing we want to talk about is the past. If we do, we will call a buddy that had just come back with us. So essentially we are left with a pen and a pad. Most of the time the thoughts, dreams, nightmares, flash backs bounce back and forth through our brains all day everyday. We lay down to rest, whether it be a familiar or unfamiliar place. Our bodies are ready for some well deserved rest on a real bed. Our minds have no way of resting, no way of getting the thoughts out of our heads. It's enough to make you scream, sweat, or want to bang your head off the goddamn wall until your unconscious. Again, we have a breaking point. Most of us are too proud or too hard headed to seek help. Even if it's offered, it's a sign of weakness. The pack leader doesn't want to be seen as weak by the rest of the pack. So the breaking point gets closer and closer. It seems life would be much better if it didn't exists. Thoughts go through your head, I've been gone for a year. What is the difference if I'm gone forever. They have already gotten used to me being gone. I might as well be gone anyways, i can't get along with anyone. I'm always angry because no one understands me. I can't keep these fucking nightmares out of my head. I can't handle all this shit. My mind won't stop. It hurts, I hate it. FUCK IT....